Goodbye 2009...

I am really ready for this year to be over. I guess if you look at it overall, it wasn't a bad year, but these past four months have probably been one of the roughest periods that I have ever been through. In September I started back to work which was a really tough transition. I am still having a hard time with it and wishing that there was some way that I didn't have to work full time. In October, I had a miscarriage and then a few days later my grandfather got sick and went into the hospital. November Grandpa passed away, and then December I had another miscarriage. I feel like these past few month have just been a blur of sadness. Yuck. :(

And...to top it all off, within just this past week, our camera broke, our furnace broke, and the alternator on Joe's car went. I feel like we just can not catch a break. Ugh!

So... needless to say, I am looking forward to putting 2009 behind me and hoping for good things in 2010. I am hoping that we will be able to figure out what the heck is going on with my body so that I can finally have a healthy pregnancy for baby #2. And I know it's still a ways off, but I'm already looking forward to this summer for my sister's wedding, and our family camping trip to Letchworth. Also, we have been talking about trying to sell our house and move into something bigger because we are quickly outgrowing ours and hopefully soon we will be adding another member to the family!

So, here's hoping that 2010 will be a wonderful year filled with lots of happiness and exciting changes.

The club you never want to be a part of...

"Women who suffer recurrent pregnancy loss"

Unfortunately that is a group that I now belong to. Over the weekend, I had my third miscarriage within a period of just over two years. Never in a million years would I have imagined I would be here. I remember shortly after we got married, and talked about when we wanted to have kids, I was naive enough to think that it would be as easy as just going off the pill. Well, that did not turn out to be the case. After 14 months off the pill, and one miscarriage, I was finally pregnant with a healthy pregnancy. After Zoey was born, I finally felt like I was at peace with the pregnancy that I lost because I knew that if I had carried that pregnancy to term, we would not have ended up with Zoey. So, it put a whole different perspective on things, and I was able to somewhat put it behind me. So I just considered it to be dumb, crappy luck since 1st tri miscarriages are unfortunately very common.

When we started trying for baby #2, I was not overly concerned about having another miscarriage. It was always in the back of my mind because after being through it once, the bliss of ignorance is gone since you know that something can go wrong. But, still when I found out in September that I was pregnant, I tried to be optimistic about things. I didn't request early bloodwork to monitor my HCG levels, or an early sonogram - I just scheduled the "normal" first pregnancy appointment for 8 weeks. But...I never made it that far and lost that pregnancy in October at around 7 weeks.

Then, I found out in December that I was pregnant again. It was the 4th time that I had been pregnant. When I got the positive pregnancy test, I really believed in my heart that this was "it" and would be our healthy baby #2, born in August.

I was wrong.

On Saturday morning I woke up to bright red bleeding and I just knew that it was over. By that afternoon, the pregnancy test that I took was negative and I had to once again go through the process of "untelling" people about the pregnancy. The look on my husband's face when I told him was heartbreaking when he just said "No..." and started to get choked up. I hate that this is happening. I know that it isn't my fault, but I can't help feeling like since it is my body that is doing this, that it means that I have failed - my husband, my family, and myself because I have not been able to keep our babies safe and healthy. The rational part of me knows that is not the case, but it's not easy to stay rational in a situation that just does not make any sense to me.

So anyways, when I was finally able to talk to my doctor about everything,he told me that with this 3rd m/c I am now considered to have "recurrent pregnancy loss" and he also mentioned something about me being "high risk". It was hard to for me to understand and process everything that he was telling me. I think a part of me is still in shock that this happened again.

So now I will have to go in for some bloodwork and testing to see if all of my hormone levels are where they should be and to test me for a blood clotting disorder, and try to see if there is some underlying reason for these losses. So I have an appt for Jan 14th, and he said no TTC until after the testing. So now I'm feeling really scared and conflicted. Part of me wants them to find something, so at least there is some reason that I have gone through this, and part of me is terrified that there really is something wrong.

Blah, this sucks. Nothing else to say about it, it just plain sucks.

Recent Developments

I feel like Zoey is changing and growing and learning so much every day, so I just have to brag about some of her most recent accomplishents and developments.

*Her language development is really taking off and it seems like she is learning a new word every couple of days. So right now she has a vocabulary of about 15 words. She is saying - hi, bye, mama, dada, baby, kitty, doggy, bubble, apple, flower, teeth, down, shoes, ball, and tickle. And she also says "woof woof" for doggy, "quack quack" for duck, and "moo" for a cow. She also continues to use a lot of her signs like nurse, eat, drink, more, all done. So it is really exciting that she is able to communicate with us and it's cute because she gets so excited and proud when she sees something and is able to tell what it is.

*She really likes books and reading and loves to pick out a book, climb up on the couch, and "read" to herself. She will turn the pages and point to things and babble to herself. It is the cutest thing ever!

*She recently discovered the concept of "no" and will shake her head and say "na na" if she doesn't want to do something.

*She can identify most of her body parts and point to them if you ask where they are - eyes, nose, mouth, teeth, ears, hands, feet, tummy, belly button, hair.

*She likes to try to help me do things around the house. When I vacuum, she will get behind the vacuum and push it. When I unload the dishwasher, she will take the silverwear out and hand it to me, and she LOVES to scoop out the dog food and put in into Lexi's dish.

*Now that she understands what lots of objects are used for, she likes to try to use them herself. She will try to brush her own hair, brush her own hair, clean her ear with a Qtip, put on chapstick, put on her shoes, clean her high chair tray with a napkin, put on her shoes, etc.

*And, one of the best, she is so lovey and loves to give kisses. If you ask her for a kiss, she will grab your face give you a big smooch, and make a big "mwah" sounds. She also will kiss her baby dolls, toys, books, the dog, etc. It's adorable! :)

Recent pics

Since I haven't put up any pics in forever, here are some recent pics from some of our Fall activities:

Becker Farms







Halloween - She was a kangaroo. I actually bought her a kangaroo costume last year because I thought it was so cute, but it ended up being too small for her, so I exchanged it for the pumpkin. So this year, I made sure to buy it early enough to get the right size. Since she's still too little for trick or treating, we put her in her costume and took her to my parent's house The costume was a big hit and we had lots of fun. Zoey's friend Riley came to visit and we took lots of pics. I have so many that I love, it's hard to pick just a few so I'm gonna post a bunch! :)

Thankful.

I have really been slacking with updating lately. Things have been pretty crazy with being back to work, and there has been a lot of other stuff going on in my life too and honestly these past few months have really been pretty crappy. But since today is Thanksgiving, I have been trying to focus on the positives and remember all the things I have to be thankful for. I know it sounds super corny, but I am trying to focus on the positives even within all the sad/hard/frustrating situations that I've been dealing with lately. So here goes:

~Although I am having a hard time adjusting to being back to work, and I feel like my heart is really not in my job anymore, I am thankful that I have a good job, with good pay and benefits, that allowed me to take a year off with Zoey and still have a position to come back to.

~Dealing with losing a pregnancy has been very sad and hard for me, but I am thankful that I have a healthy, beautiful baby girl whose smiles and giggles and hugs brighten my day and remind me that I have a lot to be happy about.

~Even though losing my grandfather has been so hard, I am thankful that he lived a long healthy life and was able to remain healthy and active up until he died. I am so thankful for all the happy memories of growing up with a close relationship with my grandparents.

~I am so thankful for my wonderful family and friends, and all their support these past few months. Thanks to everyone who has listened to me vent, called/texted me to let me know they are thinking of me, sent a card, or just given me a hug.

Okay, mushiness over! Happy Thanksgiving and God Bless. :)

"Ma Ma" - finally!!

Well, after months of everything being all about "Da Da", Zoey has finally started saying "Ma ma". She has been able to make the "M" sound for a while now, but I think that she would just say it accidentally and not really know quite how she was making the sound. But I guess it finally just clicked because now she is saying it all the time. The best is when I pick her up at daycare - when she sees me come into her classroom, her face lights up and she runs to the door, gives me a huge hug, and just keeping saying "mama, mama, mama". It's one of the best moments of my day!

It's finally getting better

I almost don't want to say anything because I don't want to jinx it, but I think maybe we have turned a corner when it comes to dropping Zoey off at daycare. Starting Tuesday, there have been no tears at dropoff! She will make this little pouty face where she sticks her bottom lip way out and give me these sad, sad eyes, but no crying! The pout definitely still gets to me, but it is way better than crying, clinging to my leg, etc. I feel like we are finally getting there and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it continues to go well.

We are surviving...

That's about the only way to put it. This transition has been really difficult. I think it's been starting to get a little better. She is still crying every day when I drop her off and it is really heartbreaking. But I'm just trying to get in and out as quickly as possible so that it's not a big scene when I leave where she is screaming and clinging to my leg or trying to lunge back into my arms. I guess that when I leave, she has been settling down pretty quickly, but it still doesn't make it much easier to walk away from her when she's crying. As far as the rest of the day, it's not consistent yet and some days are better than others. She is still really clingy and will follow the teachers around wanting to be held, or sit on their laps, and so she will get really upset sometimes if they are doing something else and she can't be held, or sit on someone's lap and cuddle. She is definitely a snuggler! I guess she has gotten really spoiled being home with me and now she is used to the constant one-on-one attention. So, somedays when I pick her up they will tell me that she had a really good day, and other times it's a rough day and she was upset and crying a lot. Luckily, everyone there is very accomodating and they are doing everything they can to try to make this easier for both of us. That's the only good thing in all of this, that I found a center that I like so much. Hopefully, in time, it will just get to be second nature for all of us and there will be no more tears.

Day 2 was worse than day 1

Well, she still didn't cry when I dropped her off this morning, so I thought that was a good sign, but when I called to check on her late this morning and they connected me with her teacher I could hear her screaming in the background. She said that she had been okay for a good part of the morning but was having a rough time at that moment. And when I picked her up this afternoon, they said that today was worse than yesterday and that when she wasn't distracted by playing, she would follow the teachers around the room crying and wanting to be with them. When I got there, she was sitting in the rocking chair with one of the teachers and clutching onto her baby doll for dear life. So at least I know that they are trying to comfort her and hold her as much as they can, but it this is still breaking my heart. :( I really think it is going to be better if I just don't call to check on her during the day. Because it is not doing me any good to call and hear her crying when I am still stuck at work for another 5 hours. Ugh...this sucks ...

Day 1

Today was Zoey's first day of daycare. Overall the day was okay I guess. I dropped her off around 7:20 and she was fine when I left. She watched me pretty intently when I was walking out the door, but didn't cry. I lingered out in the hallway for a little bit to see if she would start once I was out of sight, but she didn't cry. I, on the other hand was a different story. As soon as I got to my car, I started, and cried all the way home :(. I called to check on her around 11:30 right before my hair apt and they told me that she was having a really rough time and crying a lot :( That really broke my heart and I was so tempted to just cancel my hair and go get her. But once I'm at work tomorrow, I can't just drop everything and go get her if she cries, so I decided it would be better to just leave her there so that she starts to get used to it.
So, when I called back after my hair was done, they told me that she was having a better afternoon, and didn't cry at all at naptime, went to sleep on her own, but only slept for 15 minutes. But she seemed to be in a good mood for the rest of the afternoon after her little catnap, and the rest of the day went much more smoothly I guess. When I went to pick her up, she was sitting at the table with all the other kids having a snack and she didn't immediately reach out for me or start crying when she saw me (I guess those graham crackers were pretty tasty - lol!). But once she finished and wasn't distracted by the snack anymore, she got down she started crying and clinging to me, and then when we got to the car she didn't want to let go of me to get into her carseat - poor little thing. So, it will be interesting to see how she reacts tomorrow morning when we get there.