Healthy baby!

YAY! Our anatomy scan went really well. The baby was moving all over the place and kicking up a storm which was adorable. And best of all everything looks perfectly normal and healthy. I am so happy and relieved. One more huge milestone behind us and I can breathe a little easier again. We got some few pics so I will try to post a few soon--have to dig out our printer and scanner because it's still packed.

17 weeks

17 weeks - I am starting to feel really huge and uncomfortable which is crazy because I know that I am not that big yet and I can only imagine what I will feel like closer to the end. Here is this week's belly pic:This week has been a tough one for me. Between my August due date on Monday, and my grandpa's birthday on Thursday, it has been an emotional week for me. I have definitely been in a bit of a funk and had a bit of a breakdown earlier in the week. And in addition to all those emotions, out of nowhere I have started to feel really nervous and panicky about my pregnancy. We are going tomorrow night for our anatomy scan which is the big ultrasound that checks the baby's development and all the major things like heart, brain, etc. And I just can't stop worrying that they will find something wrong. I had been feeling really good and really positive about this pregnancy, but all of a sudden all of the fear and paranoia that was with me during 1st tri has started to creep back in :( Ugh, I really hate that pregnancy has to be such a scary thing for me. Most women count down the days to the "big u/s" and can't wait to be able to find out the sex of the baby. But, I can't even really get excited about it. We aren't finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl, so without that excitement, I am so nervous and anxious and just keeping my fingers crossed that we see a healthy baby tomorrow.

remembering Grandpa

Today is my Grandpa's birthday. He would have been 85. I still can't beleive that he is gone and it makes me so sad to think that Zoey will not remember him at all and that he will not even get to meet our new little one in January. I really wish that he would have had the chance to see Zoey now that she has developed such a little personality. I know that he would get such a kick out of her and I can just hear him laughing at her little antics. She would have loved him.

Here are two of my favorite pics of him from a few months before he died. These are from Zoey's 1st birthday and he was laughing and smiling at her eating grapes.

August 23rd...

My due date for my August baby. Today is sad day for me. I know that is seems contradictory that I can be pretty much right in the middle of a happy and healthy pregnancy and yet still be so upset about the baby that I lost. I know that it won't make sense to anyone who hasn't been through it, but I am still really affected by the babies that I lost. Even with a beautiful healthy daughter, and a healthy little one in my belly, I am still sad about my losses.

And out of the three babies that I lost, I think that baby August was the hardest. Part of it is definitely because it was the third time that it happened and so I was so angry, frustrated, and heartbroken that it was happening yet again.

But it is more than just that that made losing my August baby so hard. Out of all of my pregnancies, I really believed that one was just "meant to be". I got pregnant in November, shortly after my grandfather passed away. I started a new cycle on November 12th which is the day that he died. That may not seem significant to some people, but anyone familiar with the TTC process knows that everything about your pregnancy is calculated based on the day of your last period so that is the date that is used to figure out your due date, how far along you are, etc etc. So that date comes up again over and over throughout your pregnancy. Also, getting pregnant that cycle would give me a due date at the end of August, right around when my grandfather was born. So, I really just had a very strong feeling that I would definitely get pg in November, and that was the way it was meant to be.

And I did get pregnant, and my baby's due date was August 23rd, 3 days before Grandpa's birthday. It seemed like it all just fell into place. As cheesy as it sounded, I felt like it was a "circle of life" type moment where even though I was losing my grandfather, I was pg with this new baby that was somehow a connection to him. I truly believed that my Grandpa had a part in bringing that baby to me, and I just knew it would be a boy.

Well, I was wrong. My illusions didn't last for too long. On December 18th, one day after my 30th birthday, I lost my August baby. I was crushed. Not only had I lost another baby, but I felt like I was losing my Grandpa all over again since I felt like that baby had such a strong connection to him. Maybe that was irrational and reading too much into little things, but that's still how I felt and I was devestated.

Something else changed for me with my third loss as well. I feel like I lost any shred of my faith in "meant to be" and "things happen for a reason". Losing that baby felt like the universe saying "F*ck you" to me and I was extremely angry and bitter for a very long time. I just can not believe that there is any possible reason why any woman losing a child "happens for a reason". I have come to believe and accept that sometimes really bad things just happen and there is just no reason for it. And that sucks, but it is reality.

So, today was a sad day for me. And like I mentioned earlier, it's really strange to be able to feel happy and excited about the little one growing my belly, but at the same time so sad for the babies that I have lost and today in particular my sweet little August baby who was only with me for a very short time but still very much loved and missed. I will never forget you little one.

16 weeks

Not too much new to report this week. Baby is now the size of an avocado! Here is this week's belly pic :)

15 weeks

I've fallen a bit behind on my weekly posts because of going on vacation. The first week in August we went on our annual family camping trip to Letchworth so I didn't post at all then, and I've spent a good part of this past week trying to recover from the vacation - unpacking and organizing, laundry, etc. etc.

So, to catch up a bit, right now I am 15 weeks pregnant and the baby is the size of an orange and looks something like this:

15 Weeks Pregnant

By now, the little one has fully formed features like eyes and ears, and is starting to get eyebrows and eyelashes this week!

As for me, my belly continues to grow and I think it's safe to say that I've officially popped :)
But, even more exciting - I have started to feel the baby kick! It completely took me by surprise, because with Zoey I was 18 weeks along before I even felt any flutters and 20 weeks before I felt a good strong kick. I felt this little one for the first time at just under 14 weeks. The first time I felt it, I thought it must be something else because it was a really strong poking feeling and I thought it was way too early for that. But, when I felt the same exact thing a few days later, I realized that it's definitely baby kicks! So, I'm so excited to be at this point in my pregnancy where I can feel the little one moving around and kicking away in there. It's such a great feeling and makes everything seem that more real. Yay for baby kicks! :)