August 23rd...

My due date for my August baby. Today is sad day for me. I know that is seems contradictory that I can be pretty much right in the middle of a happy and healthy pregnancy and yet still be so upset about the baby that I lost. I know that it won't make sense to anyone who hasn't been through it, but I am still really affected by the babies that I lost. Even with a beautiful healthy daughter, and a healthy little one in my belly, I am still sad about my losses.

And out of the three babies that I lost, I think that baby August was the hardest. Part of it is definitely because it was the third time that it happened and so I was so angry, frustrated, and heartbroken that it was happening yet again.

But it is more than just that that made losing my August baby so hard. Out of all of my pregnancies, I really believed that one was just "meant to be". I got pregnant in November, shortly after my grandfather passed away. I started a new cycle on November 12th which is the day that he died. That may not seem significant to some people, but anyone familiar with the TTC process knows that everything about your pregnancy is calculated based on the day of your last period so that is the date that is used to figure out your due date, how far along you are, etc etc. So that date comes up again over and over throughout your pregnancy. Also, getting pregnant that cycle would give me a due date at the end of August, right around when my grandfather was born. So, I really just had a very strong feeling that I would definitely get pg in November, and that was the way it was meant to be.

And I did get pregnant, and my baby's due date was August 23rd, 3 days before Grandpa's birthday. It seemed like it all just fell into place. As cheesy as it sounded, I felt like it was a "circle of life" type moment where even though I was losing my grandfather, I was pg with this new baby that was somehow a connection to him. I truly believed that my Grandpa had a part in bringing that baby to me, and I just knew it would be a boy.

Well, I was wrong. My illusions didn't last for too long. On December 18th, one day after my 30th birthday, I lost my August baby. I was crushed. Not only had I lost another baby, but I felt like I was losing my Grandpa all over again since I felt like that baby had such a strong connection to him. Maybe that was irrational and reading too much into little things, but that's still how I felt and I was devestated.

Something else changed for me with my third loss as well. I feel like I lost any shred of my faith in "meant to be" and "things happen for a reason". Losing that baby felt like the universe saying "F*ck you" to me and I was extremely angry and bitter for a very long time. I just can not believe that there is any possible reason why any woman losing a child "happens for a reason". I have come to believe and accept that sometimes really bad things just happen and there is just no reason for it. And that sucks, but it is reality.

So, today was a sad day for me. And like I mentioned earlier, it's really strange to be able to feel happy and excited about the little one growing my belly, but at the same time so sad for the babies that I have lost and today in particular my sweet little August baby who was only with me for a very short time but still very much loved and missed. I will never forget you little one.