6 weeks 1 day...

One day before my second ultrasound...and I start spotting :( Seriously?! What the f*ck? Is is really too much to ask that just once in my life I have a boring, uneventful pregnancy? I am so pissed. I am nervous and anxious and scared, but more than anything I just feel frustrated and angry and bitter that I am going through this again. If I end up losing this pregnancy, this will be my third loss in less than a year, and my fourth loss since we started TTC. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I am trying to stay optimistic and believe that we still have a chance that everything will be okay, but I have been down this road too many times before. So I guess right now I am hoping for the best, but preparing myself for the worst.

Today sucked. I spent the whole day dreading coming home and having to tell Joe what's going on and see the look on his face. Even though I know it's not my fault, I feel almost guilty when I have to tell him that something is wrong because I know how much it will upset him. Well, I didn't have to say much before he pretty much figured out what was going on. It's pretty bad that we are so familiar with this situation that I just have to say "I had a bad day", and he just knows. So, when I told him, his reaction was pretty much the same as mine - pissed. He yelled 'WTF' and a few other choice phrases and was just really angry. And then he came and gave me a hug, and just held me for a few minutes and I know that he was close to tears. And that just breaks my heart. I feel so helpless and I hate that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make things better or change anything.

So, I have my appointment scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow at 7:30 pm and then hopefully we will be able to figure out what's going on. I am so nervous and anxious and scared. It's going to be a long day of waiting, but I hope and pray that by this time tomorrow I will have good news. Fingers crossed...