May 15th

That was my due date for my very first pregnancy - EDD 5/15/2008. The thing that sticks with me the most from that pregnancy is how naive and innocent I was and that it really never even crossed my mind that anything would go wrong. I took a pregnancy test that day right when I got home from work, and within an hour Joe was home from work and I had told him, I called my sister and told her, and we had called both our parents to tell them the news. That weekend we just happened to have things planned where we were seeing our extended families and so we shared the news with them too. A little more than a week later, I started spotting and I lost that baby on Sept 14th - Joe's birthday. Happy Birthday Honey - now we get to "untell" everyone our news - wonderful, right?

I can remember that Joe didn't really understand exactly what had happened. Since I was pregnant for such a short time and hadn't even been to the doctor yet, I think he thought that something must have been wrong with the tests that I took and I wasn't really pregnant in the first place. It was frustrating to have to explain to him that yes, I was actually pregnant, but that I just lost the baby very early. The doctors told me that it was a "chemical pregnancy". I guess that is just what they say when you have a miscarriage that happens before the point where it could have been detected on an ultrasound, but I really hate that term. It makes it seem like it was all in my head or something and that it doesn't really "count" as a loss. Well, no matter how early it happened, I was still devestated. I had been hoping and praying and trying for that baby for a year, so the minute I got that positive pregnancy test, I had already bonded.

So, losing that first pregnancy was something that forever changed me. Even though I have been pregnant again since, and even had a sucessful pregnancy that resulted in our beautiful little Zoey, I know that I will never again be able to feel pure joy and happiness at finding out I am pregnant like I did that first time. When I found out I was pregnant with Zoey, I was happy and excited and tried to be optimitistic and hopeful, but there was still always that fear that something would go wrong. And that fear is even more real for me now, having been through two more losses and not having any answers.

I was expecting that today would be a really hard day for me since it is the day that my first baby was due. But surprisingly, I did okay. I tried to just treat it as any normal day and not let myself get wrapped up in feeling sad or feeling sorry for myself. I didn't even mention it to any of my family or friends because I knew that they wouldn't remember the specific date, and I really didn't want to talk about it with anyone. I just wanted to be able to deal with it in my own private way. So, that's exactly what I did. Today was a very uneventful day of errands, laundry, cleaning, and all the other typical Saturday activities to keep my mind busy. I feel okay. Not great, but I'm okay. I am thankful for our beautiful little Zoey that fills our lives with so much love and I hope that someday soon we will be able to give her a baby brother or sister.