We have a heartbeat!

HUGE sigh of relief! I feel like a big weight has been lifted and I can finally breathe.

Today was a loooong day. I have been feeling so conflicted about things all day long. I really wanted to stay optimistic and hopeful about things, but at the same time I was worried that I would get my hopes up and then be devestated to receive bad news.

So we finally got to the appointment, and pretty much as soon as there was an image on the screen, she said "Well, we have a heartbeat". It was an incredible moment. I said "Oh my God, really?" and immediately burst into tears and even Joe got teary-eyed. I think that we both were honestly expecting the worst, so this was a very happy surprise.

So, she looked at everything and took some measurements and everything looks right on target with where we should be right now. So, I think this little one really might be a keeper. With all of my other losses we never made it to the point of seeing a heartbeat, so this is a huge milestone for us. I am so incredibly happy right now. Here is a pic of our little sweet pea:

6 weeks 1 day...

One day before my second ultrasound...and I start spotting :( Seriously?! What the f*ck? Is is really too much to ask that just once in my life I have a boring, uneventful pregnancy? I am so pissed. I am nervous and anxious and scared, but more than anything I just feel frustrated and angry and bitter that I am going through this again. If I end up losing this pregnancy, this will be my third loss in less than a year, and my fourth loss since we started TTC. I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I am trying to stay optimistic and believe that we still have a chance that everything will be okay, but I have been down this road too many times before. So I guess right now I am hoping for the best, but preparing myself for the worst.

Today sucked. I spent the whole day dreading coming home and having to tell Joe what's going on and see the look on his face. Even though I know it's not my fault, I feel almost guilty when I have to tell him that something is wrong because I know how much it will upset him. Well, I didn't have to say much before he pretty much figured out what was going on. It's pretty bad that we are so familiar with this situation that I just have to say "I had a bad day", and he just knows. So, when I told him, his reaction was pretty much the same as mine - pissed. He yelled 'WTF' and a few other choice phrases and was just really angry. And then he came and gave me a hug, and just held me for a few minutes and I know that he was close to tears. And that just breaks my heart. I feel so helpless and I hate that there is absolutely nothing I can do to make things better or change anything.

So, I have my appointment scheduled for an ultrasound tomorrow at 7:30 pm and then hopefully we will be able to figure out what's going on. I am so nervous and anxious and scared. It's going to be a long day of waiting, but I hope and pray that by this time tomorrow I will have good news. Fingers crossed...

First ultrasound

Today was my first u/s. And it was actually pretty uneventful. We saw one yolk sac, but nothing else. During the u/s, the tech commented that she could see the sac, but not a fetal pole and while she was explaining it, it kinda seemed like that was a bad thing like she expected that she would see one. But then she said she would have to talk to the dr and see what they wanted to do (more bloodwork vs another u/s) and when she came back she said that he wanted me to come back for another u/s in a week. When I asked her what he said about not seeing a fetal pole she said that he didn't really say much about it. Her exact words were --"He wasn't overwhelmed by it, but he wasn't underwhelmed by it, he just said 'have her come back in a week and we'll see more then'.

Well, WTF does that mean?! I don't even know how to interpret that comment, but of course I was really freaked out, and since I didn't get to talk to my doctor directly, I wasn't able to ask him any questions. (He was with a patient and the u/s just interrupted him for a few minutes to ask how to proceed with my situation). So I'm not sure what to think. I'm guessing since they only saw one sac, that it's definitely not twins, but I don't know if it's too early to say for sure. And of course the empty sac is freaking me out wondering if it means this pregnancy isn't going to make it, or if it's just to early to see anything. Right now I'm just feeling really frustrated that I really don't know anything for sure right now, and I almost wish they would have waited a bit to bring me in for the u/s so at least I would have some definite answers.

But, from what I understand, it is common to not see the fetal pole at 5 weeks since it is so early. I've heard a few success stories from girls on my message boards who had and early u/s that showed an empty sac and then a week later they saw a heartbeat. So, that is very encouraging but it is still really hard not to fear the "worst case scenario" when we have been through losing 3 pregnancies and know all too well how fragile these early days and weeks are.

So, I have another u/s scheduled for next week. I will be a little over 6 weeks, so I am hoping and praying that things will grow and progress between now and then and we will be able to see the heartbeat. I guess the only thing to do now is wait...ugh! :(

5 weeks

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant. Baby is the size of an appleseed and looks something like this:

5 Weeks Pregnant

Or, is it this???? :)

5 Weeks Pregnant

,

5 Weeks Pregnant

Only TWO more days until our u/s so that we can find out if we really are having twins. I am really feeling like we are and have even caught myself referring to the babies rather than just "the baby". I don't know what it really is that makes me feel like it's twins, but I've just had a feeling about it even before I got the results from my bloodwork when the nurse told me that my HCG levels could indicate more than one baby. We will be happy either way as long as this pregnancy is healthy. Of course that is our main concern right now, but I am still dying to know if there is more than one in there!!

So far I am feeling pretty good this pregnancy. I've had some general queasiness, but I haven't been throwing up, so let's hope it stays that way. The biggest thing I've been dealing with is just the exhaustion. I am SO tired by the end of the day, that I could probably fall asleep by 7:30 or 8:00 every night. Oh, and I'm definitely starting to get some bloat. I took my first "belly pic" today since I was sporting some serious bloat by the end of the day. Even though the belly is all bloat and no baby right now, I still decided that I'd take some pics early on, just for comparison sake.

Here is today's pic:

My stomach does look significantly flatter in the mornings, but I still can't believe how much the bloat makes it look like I actually have a belly. I'm thinking that it's going to be uncomfortable to wear my regular, non-maternity clothes soon. We'll see how long I last before I break out some maternity pants. :)

betas

So, because of my history, when I called my doctor to tell them I am pregnant, they sent me for bloodwork to monitor my early HCG levels to make sure that they are rising/doubling appropriately. Basically, in a healthy pregnancy the numbers should double every 48 hours. I went and had blood drawn last week Thursday, and then again on Monday. And so far things are looking very good.

Here are my numbers:
Thursdays # = 39.6 (1o dpo)
Monday's # = 843.1 - (14 dpo)

When the nurse called me back, she said that those are great results and that she doesn't see the need for me to go for more bloodwork, but wants me to come in for a sonogram because with numbers like that, she thinks it's a possibility that it's more than one baby!! Whoa!!!

So, my numbers were supposed to double within 48 hours, and even though it was about 4 days between the two draws, if you do the math, my doubling time is less than 24 hours. That combined with the fact that I had a pretty obvious BFP at 9dpo makes me think that maybe there really is more than one in there!! I have an u/s scheduled for next Wed. I don't know how I am ever going to make it through this next week. The waiting is going to drive me CRAZY!!!

May 21st

5/21- My due date for my May 2010 baby.

I found out that I was pregnant with my May baby on September 14th - Joe's birthday. I had so much fun dressing Zoey up in a little T-shirt that said "I have a secret..." and then on the back "I'm gonna be a big sister!". Joe was so surprised and excited. We drove over to my parent's house to show them Zoey's new T-shirt with her big news too. It was a perfect night. I took some great pics of Joe and Zoey in her shirt. I thought it would be such a cute keepsake and memory. I don't even know where those pictures and that T-shirt are anymore. I know I still have them somewhere because I couldn't bring myself to get rid of them, but at the same time it seems weird to hang on to them since that pregnancy didn't make it.

I can't believe that was 9 month ago. It's so crazy to think how fast the time has gone by and how much has happened in these past 9 months. It's hard not to think about what "could have been". I should be holding a newborn baby in my arms today. Instead I got this...

Two pink lines - yep, I'm pregnant. I actually found out a few days ago on Wednesday, but I don't really think it has quite sunk in yet. I tested ridiculously early this month, like 5-6 days before my period is even due, but I was just really really hoping that I would be pregnant this month to somehow lessen the blow of my two May due dates. But, I still never expected a +HPT at 9 dpo. When I saw that second line show up, I was so shocked, and just felt numb. Of course I am excited, but right now I'm just feeling too scared to be too excited.

So, today has been a bittersweet day. Although it makes me sad that I'm not holding a newborn baby in my arms today, I am hopeful that this new little baby inside me will finally be our "take home" baby #2. Third time MUST be a charm, right?

May 15th

That was my due date for my very first pregnancy - EDD 5/15/2008. The thing that sticks with me the most from that pregnancy is how naive and innocent I was and that it really never even crossed my mind that anything would go wrong. I took a pregnancy test that day right when I got home from work, and within an hour Joe was home from work and I had told him, I called my sister and told her, and we had called both our parents to tell them the news. That weekend we just happened to have things planned where we were seeing our extended families and so we shared the news with them too. A little more than a week later, I started spotting and I lost that baby on Sept 14th - Joe's birthday. Happy Birthday Honey - now we get to "untell" everyone our news - wonderful, right?

I can remember that Joe didn't really understand exactly what had happened. Since I was pregnant for such a short time and hadn't even been to the doctor yet, I think he thought that something must have been wrong with the tests that I took and I wasn't really pregnant in the first place. It was frustrating to have to explain to him that yes, I was actually pregnant, but that I just lost the baby very early. The doctors told me that it was a "chemical pregnancy". I guess that is just what they say when you have a miscarriage that happens before the point where it could have been detected on an ultrasound, but I really hate that term. It makes it seem like it was all in my head or something and that it doesn't really "count" as a loss. Well, no matter how early it happened, I was still devestated. I had been hoping and praying and trying for that baby for a year, so the minute I got that positive pregnancy test, I had already bonded.

So, losing that first pregnancy was something that forever changed me. Even though I have been pregnant again since, and even had a sucessful pregnancy that resulted in our beautiful little Zoey, I know that I will never again be able to feel pure joy and happiness at finding out I am pregnant like I did that first time. When I found out I was pregnant with Zoey, I was happy and excited and tried to be optimitistic and hopeful, but there was still always that fear that something would go wrong. And that fear is even more real for me now, having been through two more losses and not having any answers.

I was expecting that today would be a really hard day for me since it is the day that my first baby was due. But surprisingly, I did okay. I tried to just treat it as any normal day and not let myself get wrapped up in feeling sad or feeling sorry for myself. I didn't even mention it to any of my family or friends because I knew that they wouldn't remember the specific date, and I really didn't want to talk about it with anyone. I just wanted to be able to deal with it in my own private way. So, that's exactly what I did. Today was a very uneventful day of errands, laundry, cleaning, and all the other typical Saturday activities to keep my mind busy. I feel okay. Not great, but I'm okay. I am thankful for our beautiful little Zoey that fills our lives with so much love and I hope that someday soon we will be able to give her a baby brother or sister.

I've been taking a hiatus...

I know I haven't updated in forever, but I've been taking a break - not just from updating my blog, but really from pretty much all the computer stuff that sucks me in - my message boards, TTC websites, etc. I feel like for way to long now, I have been devoting all of my energy and obsessing over having another baby, and so I finally decided that it just isn't healthy for me and that I need other things to focus on. So, I've been trying really hard to focus on making postive changes in my life in the things that I can control. Taking some time off from the bump/nest has been a big part of that because constantly being on the boards makes it really hard to not think about TTC and babies all the time.

So for this past month or so, I've been really trying to work on other areas of my life like wanting to sell our house and buy a new one, and also to eat better and start working out again. And I'm happy to say that things have been going really well. We sold our house and bought a new one (and just in time to qualify for the tax credit - yay!) and I've been doing really well with my diet/workout plan and have lost almost 10 lbs. For the first time in a long time, I was actually feeling really great about things.

And then came May...

May is gonna be a tough month for me. I have two due dates in May - days that have been forever burned in my head that that I know I will never forget, but have no signifcance to anyone else in my life. I'm pretty sure that none of my family or friends would even remember the dates that my babies were due. And it's not like I really even think that they should remember, but it's just really hard for me knowing that those dates are right around the corner and thinking about what could have been.

So, this past week has been hard for me. After thinking that I was finally starting to come out of the sadness that has been consuming me for so long, I am feeling like it is starting to creep back in. I'm really trying to focus on the happy parts of my life and the things that I have to look forward to - moving to our new house, my sister's wedding, having the summer off, etc. But I am having a really hard time with the fact that May is the month that I was supposed to have my newborn baby, and now I'm not even pregnant yet. I hope and pray that just maybe May will be the month that we finally conceive our healthy baby # 2. At least then, I could find something positive to take away from this awful month. Keeping my fingers crossed...

In completely un-baby-related news..

We're going on a cruise!!!

And the best part - it's FREE! :) Because of his great sales at work, Joe won an all-expenses paid cruise to Key West and the Grand Cayman Islands! We are so excited and I am so proud of Joe. We don't have to pay for anything - it includes the airfare to Miami, the cruise, all meals, cocktails, tips, etc. YAY!!!

So, the hard part is that the package that he won includes all expenses paid for Joe and a guest, but if we wanted to take Zoey with, we would have to pay $700 for a "child buy-in" and then also her airfare. We went back and forth about what to do, and at first we were really planning on taking her with us, but after a lot of thought, and talking things over with our families, we have decided that we are going to go just the two of us and leave her home. I am really nervous about it, because I still have not been away from her for even one night, but after thinking about it a lot, I really think that maybe things happened like this for a reason. Going on a fancy vacation like this is not something that Joe and I would have done for ourselves right now, but I know that it will be good for us to have some time for just the two of us to get away and forget about all the stress and all the crap that we have gone through lately.

So, that's our exciting news. Yay! Thank you universe for FINALLY sending something good my way after that past few months of absolute hell I have been through. I hope it is the start of many more good things to come!!

Genetic Testing

Earlier this month Joe and I went to Children's Hospital for genetic counseling and testing. They drew some blood from us so that they could do karyotyping where they basically examined our DNA to see if there are any irregularities with any of our chromosomes. It was pretty scary to think of them finding something wrong because there really is no treatment for chromosome abnormalites other than IVF where they preselect the "good" eggs and/or sperm to increase the chances of a healthy pregnancy. And that is super expensive and doesn't always work anyways. Luckily, this week we found out that all of our tests came back normal, so that is not something that we need to worry about.

So, I guess we can now officially say that the 3 miscarriages have just been unbelievably bad luck. I suppose it should make me feel better that there is not anything "wrong", and it does a little bit, but it's really bittersweet. Although I didn't realy want them to find anything wrong, I want there to be a reason for everything that I have been through. I am still very bitter about the babies that I lost and I'm not sure how to get past that. It's hard for me to accept that sometimes crappy stuff happens and there really is no reason. It just makes me so angry and sad at the same time :( Honestly, I know that I will never truly get past it. I think that once I am pregnant again, and out of the 1st trimester, I will start to feel a little better, but there is still nothing that can ever totally erase the pain of losing three babies. It is something that will stay with me forever.