Letters to my babies

Well, I have everything pretty much all ready for tomorrow and of course now I have nothing to do but sit and think, and I am starting to feel very mushy and sentimental about this baby coming. I am so, so excited, but there is a little part of me that is a tiny bit sad that Zoey won't be our only baby anymore. I decided to write Zoey a letter, and even though she won't be able to read it right now, when she is older I think it will be nice for her to have.

Then, after writing to Zoey, I felt like I wanted to write something to the new baby we will meet tomorrow, and then I also felt like writing something about the babies that I lost. These pregnancy hormones have really turned me into a mushy mess!

Dear Zoey,
Knowing that tomorrow our new baby will be here makes me think about and remember when you were born. It is so hard for me to believe that two and a half years have gone by because I can remember it just like it was yesterday. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I can't imagine our lives without you. I love watching you learn and grow and I am so proud of what a smart, beautiful little girl you have become. I have cherished all of the time that we have had together- from newborn snuggles, to watching you learn to walk, and talk and turn into your own little person. I love to see you smile and giggle, I love to listen to you sing songs and "read" me stories. I love to watch you with Daddy and see how much you love each other. I have loved every minute with our little family of three, but I am so excited to be giving you a little brother or sister. I know it might be a hard change at first, but I know that you will be such a good big sister and you will have a special relationship with your new brother or sister. I want you to know that no matter what you will still always be my baby. You may get older, and Mommy might have more babies, but you will always, always be my very first baby and you will always be so special to me.
I love you!
Love,
Mommy

Dear Baby,
I can hardly believe that you will be here tomorrow. Daddy, and Zoey and I are so excited to meet you. I have been hoping, and wishing, and praying for you for so long and feel so blessed to be getting ready to welcome you into our family. It has not been an easy road getting to where we are today, and I truly believe that you are our little miracle. I love you so much already and can not wait to snuggle you and hold you in my arms.
I love you,
Mommy

To my two May babies and my August baby,
You may not have been with me for long, but I still loved you right from the very beginning. I had hopes and dreams for you and for our lives as a family together. I am so sad that our time together ended too soon and that I never got to meet you. I will never forget you, my sweet little angel babies.
Love,
Mommy

Tomorrow at this time...

Baby will be here! I can not believe it. This last part of my pregnancy has gone by so quickly and I can't believe tomorrow we will be a family of four. My C-section is scheduled for 7:30 am and so we have to be at the hospital by 5:30. I'm not too thrilled about having to be up and out of the house so early, but I have been having really bad insomnia lately and most mornings I am waking up around 4:00 anyways, so I guess it's shouldn't be too bad. Zoey is spending the night at my parents' house tonight so we won't have to worry about dropping her off in the morning.

We have been talking about the baby coming a lot lately, and Zoey seems to understand what's going on, but I'm sure she really has no idea what she is in for. She will answer the questions that we talked about, but I don't know if she really gets it. or is just repeating the info we have told her. A typical conversation will go something like this:

"What's in mommy's belly?" ----a baby

"When is the baby coming?" -----in January

"Where is mommy going to go to have the baby?" --- to the hospital

"Is the baby going to be a girl or a boy?" ---- a girl. (She is very insistent on this one, and always refers to 'she' or 'her', so it will be interesting to see if she is right)

So, she pretty much remembers all of the stuff that we have told her, and has been talking a lot about "the new baby", but I can't wait to see how she will really react once she gets to meet her new little brother/sister.



Here are a few last belly pics - with less than 12 hours to go (YIKES!). I'm being brave and even took two bare belly shots this time. Not that I love the way my bare belly looks, but I want to have them to look back on.

Who the heck ever said black is slimming?!




Bare belly - Side view

Bare belly - Front view
So...there ya go! Hard to believe that tomorrow is the end!!

38 weeks!

Well, now I am 38 weeks pregnant and have less than a week to go until baby is here! Here is a belly pic that I took on Monday:

I am really feeling SO uncomfortable. Maybe I just don't remember, but I feel like it was not this bad when I was pregnant with Zoey. Even though I got really swollen when I was pg with her, I don't remember being so sore. My whole body is just achy all over. My legs and knees and thighs are so sore, and it is really hard for me to do the simplest things like roll over in bed, put on my shoes, get up from sitting on the floor, etc. I feel ridiculous. It's so strange to feel so awkward in your own body. I am definitely looking forward to getting my body back and I just hope that I will be able to lose the baby weight easily again this time around.

I feel like the movement is different with this baby too. When I felt the kicks with Zoey, it was more subtle, and she was always getting the hiccups. This time around the baby is always really active in the evening, and it is always really strong movement. Not just kicks, but I feel like the baby is rolling around and doing flips in there and I can almost always see and feel the movement on the outside of my belly. It's crazy. Sometimes it is even to the point where the movements are so strong that they are uncomfortable. I don't ever remember it getting to that point with Zoey. But even when it gets uncomfortable, I still love feeling this little one moving around. It is definitely my favorite part of being pregnant, and I know that I will miss it once the baby is born.

37 weeks

Well, there isn't too much to report from my 37 week appt. Baby is still "snug as a bug" according to the dr so it doesn't seem likely that he/she will come before the 22nd. But even so, I feel like that is going to be here so soon, and I have definitely gone into "nesting" mode. All week, I have been furiously cleaning, organizing, and trying to get everything settled .

I am starting to have a lot of anxiety about being away from Zoey while I am in the hospital, and also how she is going do with the transition when I come home. She has been very clingy and needy lately and I can tell that she is having some anxiety too. She's been all about being the baby lately and has been saying things like "I'm a baby. Call me baby mommy". And she's been wanting me to hold and carry her all the time. It makes be nervous because I know that I won't be able to pick her up and carry her for a while after the c-section. I have been talking about it with her to try to prepare her, but I know that it is still going to be hard for her once I am home and she sees me picking up and carrying the new baby, but not able to do the same for her. Luckily, Joe will be home with me for the first week or so, and then my mom, sister, and Joe's mom will all be around to help on various days as well. I am lucky to have such a wonderful, supportive family. It helps to know that I won't be completely alone all the time once Joe goes back to work.

I didn't take a belly pic this week. I kept putting it off since I've pretty much been living in pj's lately since it's the only thing that feels comfy. So, I haven't been feeling like I'm looking very cute, I just feel so huge and awkward - ugh! Since I will be 38 weeks tomorrow, I decided I will just skip the 37 week pic and take one for 38 weeks tomorrow.

36 weeks

Here is my 36 week belly pic:

I am definitely feeling really huge and uncomfortable. It seems like every little thing is getting SO hard for me - bending over, standing up, rolling over in bed, going up the stairs...and the list goes on and on. I am so glad that I'm not working anymore because doing the littlest things are starting to really tire me out. Last time I went grocery shopping, I got tempted to quit halfway through because it was so exhausting. Even doing a load of laundry makes me feel like I need a nap!

But even as uncomfortable as I am, I am not ready for this baby to make an appearance yet. I have SO much that I want to get done to get ready and organized before we are a family of 4! So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that when I go for my 37 week appt, I still wont be showing any signs of labor. Stay nice and comfy in there baby. We can't wait to meet you, but we aren't quite ready for you yet!

long overdue updates

Well, I have definitely been slacking on updating the blog. It's funny that the last time I posted anything was the day right before I went back to work. I guess that goes to show that teaching full time, being pregnant, and trying to keep up with an energetic toddler pretty much took up all my time and didn't leave me too much time for anything else.

But, I'm happy to say that I am done with work and officially on maternity leave. YAY! I decided to work up until Christmas and then not go back after the break. It worked out well because it seemed like a natural time for me to go out and then my sub could just start fresh with the kids in January.

So, as for the updates, there is so much that has been going on these past few months that I know this will be a super long post. But I want to write everything down just so that I don't forget it and will have all of this to look back on later since I haven't been doing anything else to keep track of my pregnancy.

Belly pics:

Here are the belly shots that I've been taking these past few months. I missed a couple of weeks here and there, but still have a pretty good progression.

18 weeks

20 weeks24 weeks28 weeks
32 weeks
Another 32 week pic

34 weeks - feeling really big and uncomfortable

34 weeks - at Christmas with Zoey

35 weeks

This pic is with two of my girlfriends from work. The three of us were pregnant together last time. I had Zoey in July, then Kristin had Evan in August, and Christine had Brady in September. It's pretty funny that we all ended up pregnant together again, and in the same order too. I will have my baby in January, Kristin in April, and Christine in May.

Pregnancy updates

My pregnancy has been going really well, but I feel like this last trimester has been a lot more difficult than when I was pregnant with Zoey. I have been feeling huge and sore and achey for quite some time now, and get worn out really easily. Something as simple as going grocery shopping is so exhausting. My hands and legs and feet are all pretty swollen and so I don't want to do anything except just lay around. I've already gained more weight than when I was pregnant with Zoey which I'm not thrilled about, but I'm trying not to think about it too much. Right before getting pregnant, I was in serious diet/work-out mode to get ready for the cruise we went on, and so I started out around 10 lbs lighter than what I normally am. So, I'm telling myself that those 10 lbs don't really count. Haha - how's that for justification?! Seriously though, I think that I am probably around the same ending weight as what I was with Zoey, so I'm not going to stress too much about it.

I had my 36-week sonogram earlier this week and everything looks great. They looked at things like movement, fluid levels, cord position, heart and breathing activity, etc. And the baby scored perfect on all the tests. So that is a huge relief. Even at this late stage in the pregnancy, I still get nervous that something will go wrong so I was very happy to hear that everything looks good. They are estimating the weight to be about 7lbs right now and about 8 1/2 lbs at birth, so we'll see how accurate that turns out to be.

I also had my first internal exam at the 36 week appt and my cervix is still high, closed, and firm. Baby is "snug as a bug" in my doctor's words. So although everyone seems to have a feeling that this little one is not going to want to stay put until my scheduled CS date of the 22nd, there does not seem to be any indication that he/she is planning on making an early arrival.

I got a few good shots during the u/s. Here is one of my faves of baby's face

I love the little chubby cheeks! Joe is insisting that it is definitely a boy face, and my sister says the same thing. I don't know if it definitely looks like a boy or girl, but I think that the baby really looks like Zoey. Most people think I am crazy when I tell them that because how can you tell from an u/s pic, but I look at that pic and totally see Zoey. But hey, there is at least one other person out there that agrees with me and said the same thing without me even menioning it (Thanks Melissa! :) So I know I'm not completely crazy! I have been really feeling like this baby is a boy for pretty much the whole pregnancy, but as it gets closer and closer to the end, I am starting to second guess myself. Only time will tell!

Healthy baby!

YAY! Our anatomy scan went really well. The baby was moving all over the place and kicking up a storm which was adorable. And best of all everything looks perfectly normal and healthy. I am so happy and relieved. One more huge milestone behind us and I can breathe a little easier again. We got some few pics so I will try to post a few soon--have to dig out our printer and scanner because it's still packed.

17 weeks

17 weeks - I am starting to feel really huge and uncomfortable which is crazy because I know that I am not that big yet and I can only imagine what I will feel like closer to the end. Here is this week's belly pic:This week has been a tough one for me. Between my August due date on Monday, and my grandpa's birthday on Thursday, it has been an emotional week for me. I have definitely been in a bit of a funk and had a bit of a breakdown earlier in the week. And in addition to all those emotions, out of nowhere I have started to feel really nervous and panicky about my pregnancy. We are going tomorrow night for our anatomy scan which is the big ultrasound that checks the baby's development and all the major things like heart, brain, etc. And I just can't stop worrying that they will find something wrong. I had been feeling really good and really positive about this pregnancy, but all of a sudden all of the fear and paranoia that was with me during 1st tri has started to creep back in :( Ugh, I really hate that pregnancy has to be such a scary thing for me. Most women count down the days to the "big u/s" and can't wait to be able to find out the sex of the baby. But, I can't even really get excited about it. We aren't finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl, so without that excitement, I am so nervous and anxious and just keeping my fingers crossed that we see a healthy baby tomorrow.

remembering Grandpa

Today is my Grandpa's birthday. He would have been 85. I still can't beleive that he is gone and it makes me so sad to think that Zoey will not remember him at all and that he will not even get to meet our new little one in January. I really wish that he would have had the chance to see Zoey now that she has developed such a little personality. I know that he would get such a kick out of her and I can just hear him laughing at her little antics. She would have loved him.

Here are two of my favorite pics of him from a few months before he died. These are from Zoey's 1st birthday and he was laughing and smiling at her eating grapes.

August 23rd...

My due date for my August baby. Today is sad day for me. I know that is seems contradictory that I can be pretty much right in the middle of a happy and healthy pregnancy and yet still be so upset about the baby that I lost. I know that it won't make sense to anyone who hasn't been through it, but I am still really affected by the babies that I lost. Even with a beautiful healthy daughter, and a healthy little one in my belly, I am still sad about my losses.

And out of the three babies that I lost, I think that baby August was the hardest. Part of it is definitely because it was the third time that it happened and so I was so angry, frustrated, and heartbroken that it was happening yet again.

But it is more than just that that made losing my August baby so hard. Out of all of my pregnancies, I really believed that one was just "meant to be". I got pregnant in November, shortly after my grandfather passed away. I started a new cycle on November 12th which is the day that he died. That may not seem significant to some people, but anyone familiar with the TTC process knows that everything about your pregnancy is calculated based on the day of your last period so that is the date that is used to figure out your due date, how far along you are, etc etc. So that date comes up again over and over throughout your pregnancy. Also, getting pregnant that cycle would give me a due date at the end of August, right around when my grandfather was born. So, I really just had a very strong feeling that I would definitely get pg in November, and that was the way it was meant to be.

And I did get pregnant, and my baby's due date was August 23rd, 3 days before Grandpa's birthday. It seemed like it all just fell into place. As cheesy as it sounded, I felt like it was a "circle of life" type moment where even though I was losing my grandfather, I was pg with this new baby that was somehow a connection to him. I truly believed that my Grandpa had a part in bringing that baby to me, and I just knew it would be a boy.

Well, I was wrong. My illusions didn't last for too long. On December 18th, one day after my 30th birthday, I lost my August baby. I was crushed. Not only had I lost another baby, but I felt like I was losing my Grandpa all over again since I felt like that baby had such a strong connection to him. Maybe that was irrational and reading too much into little things, but that's still how I felt and I was devestated.

Something else changed for me with my third loss as well. I feel like I lost any shred of my faith in "meant to be" and "things happen for a reason". Losing that baby felt like the universe saying "F*ck you" to me and I was extremely angry and bitter for a very long time. I just can not believe that there is any possible reason why any woman losing a child "happens for a reason". I have come to believe and accept that sometimes really bad things just happen and there is just no reason for it. And that sucks, but it is reality.

So, today was a sad day for me. And like I mentioned earlier, it's really strange to be able to feel happy and excited about the little one growing my belly, but at the same time so sad for the babies that I have lost and today in particular my sweet little August baby who was only with me for a very short time but still very much loved and missed. I will never forget you little one.