May 15th

That was my due date for my very first pregnancy - EDD 5/15/2008. The thing that sticks with me the most from that pregnancy is how naive and innocent I was and that it really never even crossed my mind that anything would go wrong. I took a pregnancy test that day right when I got home from work, and within an hour Joe was home from work and I had told him, I called my sister and told her, and we had called both our parents to tell them the news. That weekend we just happened to have things planned where we were seeing our extended families and so we shared the news with them too. A little more than a week later, I started spotting and I lost that baby on Sept 14th - Joe's birthday. Happy Birthday Honey - now we get to "untell" everyone our news - wonderful, right?

I can remember that Joe didn't really understand exactly what had happened. Since I was pregnant for such a short time and hadn't even been to the doctor yet, I think he thought that something must have been wrong with the tests that I took and I wasn't really pregnant in the first place. It was frustrating to have to explain to him that yes, I was actually pregnant, but that I just lost the baby very early. The doctors told me that it was a "chemical pregnancy". I guess that is just what they say when you have a miscarriage that happens before the point where it could have been detected on an ultrasound, but I really hate that term. It makes it seem like it was all in my head or something and that it doesn't really "count" as a loss. Well, no matter how early it happened, I was still devestated. I had been hoping and praying and trying for that baby for a year, so the minute I got that positive pregnancy test, I had already bonded.

So, losing that first pregnancy was something that forever changed me. Even though I have been pregnant again since, and even had a sucessful pregnancy that resulted in our beautiful little Zoey, I know that I will never again be able to feel pure joy and happiness at finding out I am pregnant like I did that first time. When I found out I was pregnant with Zoey, I was happy and excited and tried to be optimitistic and hopeful, but there was still always that fear that something would go wrong. And that fear is even more real for me now, having been through two more losses and not having any answers.

I was expecting that today would be a really hard day for me since it is the day that my first baby was due. But surprisingly, I did okay. I tried to just treat it as any normal day and not let myself get wrapped up in feeling sad or feeling sorry for myself. I didn't even mention it to any of my family or friends because I knew that they wouldn't remember the specific date, and I really didn't want to talk about it with anyone. I just wanted to be able to deal with it in my own private way. So, that's exactly what I did. Today was a very uneventful day of errands, laundry, cleaning, and all the other typical Saturday activities to keep my mind busy. I feel okay. Not great, but I'm okay. I am thankful for our beautiful little Zoey that fills our lives with so much love and I hope that someday soon we will be able to give her a baby brother or sister.

I've been taking a hiatus...

I know I haven't updated in forever, but I've been taking a break - not just from updating my blog, but really from pretty much all the computer stuff that sucks me in - my message boards, TTC websites, etc. I feel like for way to long now, I have been devoting all of my energy and obsessing over having another baby, and so I finally decided that it just isn't healthy for me and that I need other things to focus on. So, I've been trying really hard to focus on making postive changes in my life in the things that I can control. Taking some time off from the bump/nest has been a big part of that because constantly being on the boards makes it really hard to not think about TTC and babies all the time.

So for this past month or so, I've been really trying to work on other areas of my life like wanting to sell our house and buy a new one, and also to eat better and start working out again. And I'm happy to say that things have been going really well. We sold our house and bought a new one (and just in time to qualify for the tax credit - yay!) and I've been doing really well with my diet/workout plan and have lost almost 10 lbs. For the first time in a long time, I was actually feeling really great about things.

And then came May...

May is gonna be a tough month for me. I have two due dates in May - days that have been forever burned in my head that that I know I will never forget, but have no signifcance to anyone else in my life. I'm pretty sure that none of my family or friends would even remember the dates that my babies were due. And it's not like I really even think that they should remember, but it's just really hard for me knowing that those dates are right around the corner and thinking about what could have been.

So, this past week has been hard for me. After thinking that I was finally starting to come out of the sadness that has been consuming me for so long, I am feeling like it is starting to creep back in. I'm really trying to focus on the happy parts of my life and the things that I have to look forward to - moving to our new house, my sister's wedding, having the summer off, etc. But I am having a really hard time with the fact that May is the month that I was supposed to have my newborn baby, and now I'm not even pregnant yet. I hope and pray that just maybe May will be the month that we finally conceive our healthy baby # 2. At least then, I could find something positive to take away from this awful month. Keeping my fingers crossed...

In completely un-baby-related news..

We're going on a cruise!!!

And the best part - it's FREE! :) Because of his great sales at work, Joe won an all-expenses paid cruise to Key West and the Grand Cayman Islands! We are so excited and I am so proud of Joe. We don't have to pay for anything - it includes the airfare to Miami, the cruise, all meals, cocktails, tips, etc. YAY!!!

So, the hard part is that the package that he won includes all expenses paid for Joe and a guest, but if we wanted to take Zoey with, we would have to pay $700 for a "child buy-in" and then also her airfare. We went back and forth about what to do, and at first we were really planning on taking her with us, but after a lot of thought, and talking things over with our families, we have decided that we are going to go just the two of us and leave her home. I am really nervous about it, because I still have not been away from her for even one night, but after thinking about it a lot, I really think that maybe things happened like this for a reason. Going on a fancy vacation like this is not something that Joe and I would have done for ourselves right now, but I know that it will be good for us to have some time for just the two of us to get away and forget about all the stress and all the crap that we have gone through lately.

So, that's our exciting news. Yay! Thank you universe for FINALLY sending something good my way after that past few months of absolute hell I have been through. I hope it is the start of many more good things to come!!

Genetic Testing

Earlier this month Joe and I went to Children's Hospital for genetic counseling and testing. They drew some blood from us so that they could do karyotyping where they basically examined our DNA to see if there are any irregularities with any of our chromosomes. It was pretty scary to think of them finding something wrong because there really is no treatment for chromosome abnormalites other than IVF where they preselect the "good" eggs and/or sperm to increase the chances of a healthy pregnancy. And that is super expensive and doesn't always work anyways. Luckily, this week we found out that all of our tests came back normal, so that is not something that we need to worry about.

So, I guess we can now officially say that the 3 miscarriages have just been unbelievably bad luck. I suppose it should make me feel better that there is not anything "wrong", and it does a little bit, but it's really bittersweet. Although I didn't realy want them to find anything wrong, I want there to be a reason for everything that I have been through. I am still very bitter about the babies that I lost and I'm not sure how to get past that. It's hard for me to accept that sometimes crappy stuff happens and there really is no reason. It just makes me so angry and sad at the same time :( Honestly, I know that I will never truly get past it. I think that once I am pregnant again, and out of the 1st trimester, I will start to feel a little better, but there is still nothing that can ever totally erase the pain of losing three babies. It is something that will stay with me forever.

new look

I've changed things up with the blog a bit. When I first started it, it started out as a way to keep track of my pregnancy, and then as a place to post pics of Zoey and keep track of everything going on with her. But lately, it has also been a place for me to write and vent about all sorts of thing that are not at all "Zoey-related". So I have changed my blog title, from Zoey's name to something that I feel is more fitting of what this blog is about. I feel like recently, more often than not, my posts have been sad and depressing, but that is just where I am right now, and that's the stuff that is on my mind more often than not.
So...for now, that's where things are. Not a whole lot of "puppies and rainbows" or happy stuff going on with me right now. I actually considered going private with my blog because it does have a lot of pretty personal stuff in it and I'm not sure that too many people want to read all my rambling, depressing posts anyways. But....for now I have decided to keep it public in hopes that maybe reading about my experiences may be helpful to someone, especially anyone who has had to deal with RPL. Hopefully, sometime soon I will have happy things to write about and my blog can once again be a happy place where I will be able to start to chronicle a new pregnancy and a new chapter in our lives. Until then....it is what is is.

RPL test results and next steps

Well, last week I got the results for the first round of the RPL bloodwork, and of all tests came back normal. I definitely don't have a clotting disorder, and my body isn't producting antibodies against the pregnancies. Also, my thyroid is normal, insulin levels look good, I don't have lupus... and the list goes on and on. They did all sorts of tests that I didn't even know would have anything to do with m/c, but everything came back completely normal.

So, in a way that is good news, but the next step is chromosome testing (karyotyping) for Joe and I. And that scares the crap out of me because if they do find something wrong there, there is basically nothing that they can do, they just will be able to tell us "Well, this is the abnormality that we have found and so now you know that you have X% chance of having a healthy pregnancy". So, if there really is something wrong, I would much rather have something like the clotting disorder, or some sort of imbalance that they could at least fix.

So we scheduled the tests for the beginning of Februrary, and I had a long talk with my doctor about where this all leaves us, and whether or not we still want to put TTC on hold while we schedule these tests and wait for the results. She told me that at this point, there is really no reason to wait since there is not really "treatment" for chromosome abnornalities anyways. I have a pretty good feeling that these tests are not going to find anything, but even if they did, I just really can not imagine that anything that they could tell me would make me stop trying to have another baby. They could tell me that I have a 1 in 1,000 chance of having another m/c or a 1 in 2 chance of it happening again and I think that I would still want to keep trying. I know that my body is capable of a healthy, full-term pregnancy, and Joe and I both feel very strongly that we are definitely not at the point where we are going to stop trying.

So, I guess we have the official "green light", or "go ahead" to start trying again. I wish I could be excited about it, but honestly I'm just terrified. With all that we have gone through, I don't think it will even really be exciting when I get a +HPT. More than anything, I will just be scared. And that just sucks. Trying to have a baby should be one of the most exciting times of my life and instead it is just terrifying. I hate that.

But... on a positive note, my doctor has decided to take a proactive approach to treatment from this poing forward, and so she has started me on baby aspirin and extra folic acid. Although there is nothing in my test results to suggest that I need them, she said that it can't hurt and just might do some good. So, in a small way that makes me feel a little better. At least there is something that I can do. Here's hoping that it makes a difference! I just might still have a chance at having a 2010 baby after all!

Miscellaneous 18 month Zoey updates

It's hard to believe that now Zoey is closer to TWO years old than she is to one! The time just keeps on flying by. As far as what's new with Zoey these days...

*Starting on Monday she will be moving up to the next classroom at daycare. She is officially out of the nursery and into the toddler room! Not a baby anymore

*Speaking of daycare,she is no longer sleeping in a crib there! Since her new classroom doesn't have cribs, they started to transition her to one of those little cots that is just a few inches from the ground. I can not believe that she actually stays on it and sleeps instead of getting up and playing on it, but they say that she does great on it.

*She now understands the concept of "yes" and will nod if you ask her a "yes/no" question and it is something that she wants.

*She is continuing to talk up a storm and it is so exciting for me to be able to see her language development. (That's the dorky language teacher in me!) She is up to about 30ish words right now. New additions include car, toes, uh-oh, night-night, puppy, Mommy (instead of just "ma-a"), Elmo, and "gaku" - helicopter. Not really sure how she got "gaku" for helicopter, but she has been using it consistently for a couple of weeks now. We have also been working on "love you" and "please" which she will repeat if I say them to her first, but doesn't initiate using them on her own yet.

*And lastly, she is starting to show interest in potty training. When she has a dirty diaper, she will let us know, by patting her diaper area and saying "ca ca" (haha, that's another one of her new words). She will go sit on the little potty that we have for, and I can tell that she understands what it is for because she will lift up the seat and say "ca ca", or make the "sssss" noise for potty, but so far she hasn't actually gone on it. I'm not going to push it for now, but I'm thinking that we will start really working on it when I am off over the summer.

That's about all I can think of for now. I'll try to post some recent pics soon, but our camera was broken for a while, and we just got the replacement sent to us earlier this week.

First RPL appointment

On Thursday, I had my first appt with my dr for Recurrent Pregnancy Loss. Overall it was a pretty good appt, but it was basically just a consultation to discuss what the next steps are and what sorts of testing I need to have done now. So, there are basically three steps to what comes next:

First, I need to go for bloodwork to test me for a clotting disorder, or to see if my body could be producting antibodies against the pregnancies. If that all comes back normal, Joe and I both have to go for chromosomal testing, to see if there are any abnormalities with either of us that could be preventing a healthy pregnancy. If both the bloodwork, and the chromosomal testing don't find anything, I will then have to have the "dye test" where they will inject some sort of dye into me, then x-ray me to take a look at my uterus. She said that she highly doubts that there are any problems with my uterus because if there were, she would have noticed when I had my C-section.

So, until we get the results of all the testing, she strongly discouraged me from trying to getpregnant. So that part really sucks. I am feeling very frustrated that I have to go through all this, and that we have to wait even longer to start trying again. I know that it will all be worth it if the result is a healthy baby, but the waiting still sucks.

On a positive note, I just have to say how much I really love my doctor. She spent so much time talking with me about all the different tests and what all the different possibilites and outcomes could be. And she also made a point of acknowledging how hard it is to lose a pregnancy and made a comment about how a woman starts to bond with the baby the minute the pregnancy test is positive, and that even early losses are really difficult. That really meant a lot to me because I feel like there aren't too many people that truly understand how I am feeling, and so I am so glad that my doctor is one of the ones who just "gets it".

So anyways....that is where things stand. At least we have a plan. I honestly don't know what I want the outcome to be. Part of me wants them to find something so that there is something that can be fixed, but part of me is hoping and praying that everything comes back normal and there is nothing wrong. I really just don't know what to think. I guess for now, the only thing to do is wait and see.

On a happier note....really late Christmas pics

I'm really late posting these, but here are some of Zoey's Christmas pics. She looked adorable in her Christmas dress, and I also found a little Elf costume in a bag of hand-me-downs that I had, so of course I couldn't resist putting her in it for some pics.

Santa's little helper :) She loved the Christmas tree and was so excited when she saw the lights

Matching jammies with cousin Kaitlyn

this about sums it up

I did not write this myself, but I came across it one one of the message boards that I belong to, and I feel like it really puts into words how I am feeling about everything. Sometimes it's really frustrating because I feel like there are not too many people who can really relate to what I'm going through and what I'm feeling. But this pretty much describes it perfectly:

Pregnancy loss is real loss. Those who are here and those of us who have passed through have experienced death. It's not what society generally considers death, but that is only because society as a whole chooses to ignore pregnancy loss. It's uncomfortable, surreal, and scary for those who have not experienced it. There was no person, no life, no accomplishments to remember fondly and mourn. People do not ask about our babies. People often do not know about them. Society says things like "it wasn't the right time" or "it's better this way" or "God has a reason," and then they drop it and expect that it never has to be mentioned again.

But these deaths for us are very real. As real as the loss of any grandparent, friend, or loved one. The baby that no one knew was known by its mother, even if only for a moment. We carried these lost children, and we loved them. We loved them with a fervor that is matched by the love of any parent. We wanted them. We wished for them. We prayed for them. Some of us waited days in limbo to find out the worst. For others a moment shattered everything.

But for most of us, the mourning has been done alone. There is no funeral, no memorial to remember the life lost. Many of us experience postpartum depression in the cruelest of all tricks, because our pregnancies ended too. However, unlike those who society sees as having a "right" to PPD, there is no baby to be the light at the end of the tunnel. And because this death was not acknowledged, people forget. They tell us about their pregnancies, they avoid us because we're still "not over it," they call us out for having sad days or bitter days as though we should have more control than others over the grieving process.

I have the bittersweet experience of knowing all sides of the equation - I have lost a pregnancy, have been blessed with a child, and I have lost pregnancies again. I have known the sheer madness of grief, the pure joy of expectation, the momentary solace of hope in the face of uncertainty, and the crushing hopelessness of loss and it is enough to drive one insane.
May you never experience it. I truly hope you do not. I hope this is only something you can read and learn to sympathize with.